doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
