He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
