she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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