From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
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Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
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I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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