her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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