i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
