I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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