Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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