not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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