My boss' voice literally gives me gas
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
