omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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