I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
