She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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