Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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