i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
