i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
