Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
