my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
