I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize