So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
