I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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