I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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