so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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