does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
