I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
