i jhust puked up my retainher.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
