fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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