the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
