he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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