i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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