omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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