TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
