pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is Oprah even human
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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