I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
