I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
