i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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