Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
