nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
