why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
