he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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