You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
