No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
