Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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