I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
