I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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