I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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