dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
