I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
