She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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