If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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