I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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