I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is my gift to your gina
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
