Just fell off a train. Bad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
